We lived on a farm. Whenever I felt that my mother was feeling hopeless I went to the forest since I heard that snakes killed people. I thought how nice it would be for my mother if one killed me. In the forest I cried for hours, ultimately dropping to the ground from sheer exhaustion. Then I began sleep. Usually I woke up when it became dark and then, frightened, I returned home, trying to reach my bed without being seen. People used to play with me asking me where my mother was, as I was young, I replied, "She has gone". No one could imagine how I was suffering!

At two years old I became very sick, and my mother took me to a doctor. He told her that I had a liver crisis – it was my first bad adrenal crisis – and a new phase began in my torment. Each time I had a new crisis – I usually had two per year – my mother took me to this doctor, and the routine was always the same. He would say to my mother "What do you want? I already told you to put her on a diet", and after "pull down her panties so that I could examine her". When all I wanted was to ease my crisis, he was only interested in the examination of my genitals. At that time I understood that something was wrong with me and I tried to ask my mother about it. However she always showed a very severe face and replied "Know that you are not like the other children". Soon I learned not to ask anything about me, but I began thinking about my differences. As I thought more and more about them, they grew, like a big monster which consumed me completely.

Between my four and fifth years of age the same doctor told my mother to take me to one of the most important hospitals in the country to be examined. I stayed there alone (at that time parents were not allowed to stay with their children at the hospitals) terribly frightened thinking that my mother abandoned me here to be killed (many years later I had still had nightmares that my mother wanted me to be killed). I don’t know how many times I stayed at that hospital - maybe several weeks or some months - or what was done to me. Some images are present in my mind but, in general, in an indistinct way, except for those who caused me more sufferance. I remember that some nurses were nurturing to me, however the doctors who usually arrived in groups to examine me, frightened me a lot. I heard about being subjected to a laparotomy. The doctors told my mother to take me away and to wait to see what will happen to me when I grew up.

By the time I was five years old, I had the body of a ten year old. Being bigger than my peers I was severely reprimanded when I played like them. "What will people think about you, with such a big body?" said my mother. Then I become more quiet than ever, living much like an autistic. Most of the day I played alone in the field with wild flowers which I pretended to be people. Sometimes I took refuge in the forest to cry.

crying for hours without understanding why I was so severely punished.

At puberty I began to seriously masculinize: facial and body hair growing, voice cracking, no breasts and no periods. Then, my years in school were a minefield of secrecy and emotions. I felt immense shame and the lessons of gymnastic and singing were tremendously hard, in a such a way that, when recently a colleague told me to go to a gymnasium, I began crying in an uncontrolled way. I remember vividly the day a colleague, who had a sister older than us, approached me and dying with laughter said "my sister told me that there are persons who are partially males and partially females; how funny is it: you with male legs, and female arms". My wish was to disappear into the soil.

By the time I was 17 years old I begin to "play" flirt with a neighbour. It was really to play, as at that time I felt that I was so strange a creature that I couldn’t think of having a boyfriend. However it was so nice to have an illusion! When my mother discovered this she became furious with me. Her words still hurt me. "What were you thinking? You know that you are different from the other persons and that you can never get married. Well, I will take you to the hospital where you stayed as a child, to see what they can do for you".

At that time it was not uncommon that people made a game of me, commenting "Look, is this a male or a female?" and than dying with laughter. At the buses, trains and elsewhere, they avoided sitting near me and I begin avoiding staying near those that I liked, so I would not cause shame to them.

At the hospital I was sent to a young doctor who, without having a word to me – he was talking with his colleagues – told a nurse to give me a room. I stayed there for several months running test after test. No one ever explained what was being done to me, nor why. However I must also confess that I never asked about it, because I was so fearful about what was wrong with me.

At that time I had entered the University. When classes were beginning I told the doctor that I had to go home. He told me that what I needed was "to be treated". This surprised me because I had never realized that I had a disease, except for the "liver crisis". I had always been told that there was nothing to do, except diet. However I thought, why should I leave the hospital when life outside was so difficult and if I was living in one of the best periods of my life? Several of my fellow patients were very sick, and I could actively give them comfort. So, the first time in my life, I felt needed and useful.

However difficulties followed me. Before I left the hospital, I had a laparotomy. The day after it was done, when I was on bed in pain, a nurse took my bed into the "treatment room". After removing the sheet which covered me, she opened my legs saying that doctors wanted to see me. After this, several of her colleagues arrived and looked into my genitals, where hairs were removed, and had a good laugh, while I felt crushed by the humiliation.

Some days later, another nurse looked into my room and dying with laughter said "I heard about you. You will not be allowed to live here. If I was in your place I would go to the outskirts of London where there are lots of strange people and you will escape one’s notice". After that, I became more isolated than ever.

At the University I became a good student who studied hard. It was the only means to alleviate my permanent anguish. It was also the same time that I found a job. However, at times this anguish became so strong that I slipped into a depression. As I was put on estrogen and corticosteroids my look became less "strange" and in general I escaped people’s notice. But even so, sometimes I perceived that some colleagues were commenting about me, and one day when I was recovering from a strong depression, one of my colleagues said to me "people are commenting that you are changing your sex; let me see your karyotype". Again humiliated, the only thing that I wanted at that time was to be left in peace.

everyone else living in this world, only with a genetic mutation! This crushed me. So many years of shame, humiliation and a lot of other strong emotions, just for a mutation!

Presently what makes me happy is to see that people with Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia and their parents are receiving more and more support, thanks to the efforts being developed in this field in some regions; which I am confident will spread to other ones. My hope is that my story would become more and more a story from the past.